Enjoy the Annoy

Now just because Staffpurrson got instant approval in his job interview from Scully, and he's stuck around on his day-to-day contract for 10 years now, that doesn't mean we don't have to keep him constantly on his toes and show him, every day, just who's boss around here. I have a variety of motivational tools that I like to use:

(1) If there's a glass on the table, knock it to the floor. It's best if it's full of orange soda or some other brightly colored liquid that will leave a nice stain on the carpeting.

(2) If there's a newspaper being read, sit down in the middle of it. Interestingly enough, Staffpurrson, who's in the newspaper business, stopped reading newspapers after 45 years and now does it entirely on-line. I'm working on eliminating the magazines now.

(3) If his right hand is working the computer mouse, and the left hand is entirely free, insist on having his right hand provide skritches and belly rubs. If he keeps putting me on his lap and using his left hand, immediately vacate the lap, sit in front of the computer, and bat and nudge the right hand. Do this until you're thrown out of the room and then pretend that was your intent all along.

(4) Eat way too fast and promptly deposit the entire meal onto the carpet or rug. If you occasionally slip up and hit the wood flooring instead, there's always the next meal.

(5) Develop a taste for digital hearing aids that cost $3K and high-quality eyeglasses that cost $600. Staffpurrson has had to learn to put his eyes and ears in his nightstand drawer and make absolutely sure it's closed tight. The 3-4 times over 10 years that he's forgotten -- well, that's why he has insurance.

(6) If Scully is sitting in his lap, getting petted, immediately dash over and start nudging her in the butt. Then when she gets up and leaves, immediately walk off and ignore Staffpurrson. Or start sniffing his face with the nose that was just up Scully's butt.

(7) Eat one brand of kibble or wet food for 5 years and then decide in one day that it's no longer suitable. Make Staffpurrson provide samples of at least 10 new varieties before picking one.

(8) Refuse any treat that has been sitting in its reclosable package for more than 3 days. If it's not absolutely fresh, it's garbage, right?

These are all highly effective techniques. And if I derive no small measure of enjoyment in doing them, well, that's just a win-win for all concerned. OK, perhaps just a win-win for me.

Remember, humans did not domesticate cats. We domesticated them.